I couldn’t count the amount of times I’ve written and re-written this post, or something similar. I’ve deleted countless times, but always end up re-writing it because want to get it off my chest and then it has sat in my drafts for weeks on ends before getting deleted again.
But this time, it will get published because I feel like I need to get it out somehow.
I feel like I seem to have lost myself somewhere in this world. I couldn’t tell you how, or when, or where. I just feel lost. I know I am loved, I know that I am appreciated and I am definitely grateful. Just somewhere along the way, I don’t really know who I am anymore? I miss my 15 year old playlists, my 17-18 year old dress sense, the days where I knew I looked like a bag of shit but I felt comfortable in my own skin. Now whether I try to make an effort or not, I just don’t feel comfortable. I feel like I’m supposed to know who I am, what I want to do but I don’t. It’s like I’m lost in a haze of I don’t knows.
There was once a day where I knew my style, and the clothes I liked but now I feel like I have lost myself somewhere in this cycle of day to day life. I hate it. I feel like no matter how many times someone asks me if I’m okay, or if somethings wrong. I just smile and laugh it off, purely because I don’t really know how to say what I want to say, or even if I want to say it at all. Maybe I just feel stupid saying it, but I can write it. I can put it into written words just not able to speak it. I keep using the ‘I’m just tired’ excuse because I really don’t want to get into it, when I probably should.
Most day’s my alarm goes off and I don’t even want to leave the comforts of my bed, never mind get dressed and face the world. But I do it, I muster the courage and plod along with the thought that I know I’ll be returning to my little sanctuary at the end of the working day.
I think most of this comes from the pressure that is put on young adults, like you and me. Like were supposed to know who we are, where we want to be and where we should be going. But I don’t know, I feel like I’m never going to know and I’m having difficulty coming to terms with that at the moment. I feel like I should have a life plan right now, a career idea or something but to be completely honest with you I don’t have one fucking clue. I have no plan. I feel like I should still be in college deciding what hair colour I want, and whether I can spare enough of my part-time wages to go and get a new ear piercing on my lunch break.
Even at the end of this, I have no conclusion, but the one thing I am starting to come to terms with is that it’s going to be okay. Even though I’m in this haze, I know I will come out the other side. I just don’t know when, or how. I’m just grateful that I know that Nathan is going to be there, waiting at the other side with his cheeky little grin saying ‘I told you it was going to be alright’.